A bad Good Morning

This morning. Raining.... I can hear the pulsating beats of the raindrops falling upon the pavement. Who would have know that my body would synchronize and let tears flow at the same consistency?
I got attached toy you. I shouldn't have. It is all my fault. Not yours. But now you want me to forget you as if it were all just a dream. I cant do that. You want me to move on and not stay attached. I hold your secret behind the walls of my chest, right next to my heart. You think that we can just go 8 months with out contact, communication, nothing, and forget eachother? I cant forget you. That's just wrong. I fell for it.
The lust.
The cuteness.
The ego.
The smiles.
The tears.
The art.
The games.
The movies.
The jokes.
The similarities.
The fun.
The texting.
The picturemail.
The metaphysical.
The love.
The joy.
All too good to be true. My friend. My friend is going to a place where he could not come back from. My friend is going so far away we wont be able to communicate. My friend is going so far away. Will my love reach? Will I be with my friend always?
My chest has been hurting all day. Right in the center. The middle of me on the right side of my heart. Is this what heart ache feels like? The bitterness of my past has come back with a vengeance. Like venom. Like poison. Destroying every dream. Every piece of happiness I have gained back since Feb 20th. The pain from last July. The 18th to be exact. The flashbacks of running back up those stairs ending up in tears and no one to call my love. The nights I spent alone. Still alone. Always alone. I wasn't alone. I slept with you on my mind and in my heart. But now my friend you will be leaving me in 9 weeks. For 8 months and maybe 8months more. What am I to do? For now I am speechless....

The other woman/man

Have you ever been the other woman? It sucks don't it. I mean only when you find out. Ha! I was the other woman ONCE! Only once. You can't be the other woman too many times now. How do you define the woman and the other woman though?
Well I think I have it all figured out. The woman... She is the first person he texts every morning. She is the one he is spending the bulk of his time with and the bulk of his money on. The woman.. Ahh he most likely lives with the woman. And if he doesn't he is usually with her 5 out of 7 nights a week. Oh and did I mention that the woman gets a title. He calls her by her name and refers to her as his woman. . .
The other woman. Well he texts her probably around noon. Wants to know if she's busy... If she is busy tonight.... He will resort to another woman. Phahahaha. Then also the other woman, doesn't get nice restaurants. She gets alot of cheap movie nights at her house of course, she gets introuced to the friends and family as his "friend" She also texts or calls him more than he calls her. Because most likely he has her dick whipped spending her money on him and not the other way. And if she is giving him money, well lets just say.... The woman is getting a cut!

Now for guys here is the other guy vs the man scenario....

If I had a man and a other guy......
This is how things would play out. My man would be the first person I text in the morning. I would send him a picture or something around lunch time. I would cook for him and get creative and make something for him either with visual art or literature or song or something. The man gets a key to my house. He drives my car when his is in the shop. He gets all the benefits. But when he fucks up.... There will be the other guy

Ohh , the other guy. He only gets to come by when I call him, or I go to him. Usually he never comes in my home because there is evidence of the Man. And when he tries to come in there is usually an excuse. I'm tired, or I have company or relatives over. Have you ever done that? Ha! The other guy is totally the guy that u get money from and sex too! Then even if you dont have good sex with your man, you can go get that nut from the other guy!
I haven't had a "other guy" in a while. After being in long distance relationship after another, I have remained completely celibate, outside of my relationship.
Have I ever been the other woman? Yes I have I was the other woman once. I was so naive. I was letting this guy tell me he lived with his grandma when in actuality he lived with his fiance! Thats what I get though, all for a nut, all for a NUT!!!!! Thats when I bought my first vibrator!

N-words....

Ok so I am COMPLETELY FED UP!
Now that thats out. . . One of my male friends texted me today saying that he was mad at me because I fell asleep last night. Ok so first if all, He actually thought that I was gonna make it up to him. Ha!!!
I laughed. I really laughed. Because why do guys think that they are the best thing since sliced bread. All that talk. ALL OF THAT TALK. So I look back at my many friendships and relationships with guys and I take note.... Hmmm only 4 guys actually did some thing for me, took me out to eat or to dinner, or just spent money on me because he cared about me.
Now to me this is sad because hmmmmm. . . I can actually say I was STUPID! Two guys had phones in my name.... One guy by the end of our relationship I had given him like 800 BUCKS... Then that negro had the NERVE TO ask ME to bail him out of jail! WHAT! I have bought Jordans, Fitted caps, dinners u name it! I have been brutally taken advantage of! And I'm done with that shit!
Where are my gifts? My flowers? My jewlery. Shit can I get a damn birthday card?
So back to my friend. You all know I had to let him know about his DUMB ASS response.
I told his ass "thank you" because he inspired me to put this out here for all of you ladies! You do not have to say yes to all these niggas! You should mean more to your self than they mean to you. They are totally DISPOSABLE..... Unless well hmm man I only had 2 guys that I never wanted to let go of and my friends think they were DISPOSABLE... soo I guess thats what that means.....
Wait I have to go off on a tangent and actually say.... There are guys that actually do want to give you the world and all the beautiful things u deserve... You just have to wait til he crosses paths with you. . . I had to end with a little bit of optimism....

Flash Foward

I know that at one point in time someone has be asked the question, "Where do you see your self in 10yrs?" And That would be where do I see my self at 30yrs of age.
Well damn. 30. 30. 30.
When you are a kid you can answer this question with ease. Every kid says they wanna be a lawyer or an astronaut or a doctor or police officer or fire fighter. Every one wanted to be in the service industry and play their part and act on their social responsibility as a human.
But today. A sunny day. I sit in my dining room in my apartment in Marietta, Ga and I wonder. What do I really want.
I want to have a family by the time I am 30. Married. Kids. A job. 3 years ago I wanted to be an Interior Designer. And now that I am in school for it, I realize that I DO want a life out side of work so I have to fall back on my FALL BACK. I want to be a elementary or preschool Art teacher. I love children and I want to have an impact on their lives so that is how I willl not only fufill my social responsibility but my need to continue with art. I love art!
Art is my life and to be with some one who is as into art as I am and isn't a dork. Oh man that would just be amazing!
Now lets look at 5 years from now.
25......
Now a bunch of my friends just turned 25.
And at 25 that is supposed to be when you actually find your self and realize what you want in life. What you want in a life partner and what you want to be for your self. Not for others. There is a difference. The social responsibility is what you want to do for others. What you want for your self. Happiness. Love. Passion.
Now at 25 I see my self engaged. Possibly married. Out of college. Teaching. Doing what I love to do. No kids unless I'm married. And maybe a doggie... I love doggies! Now although this is very extreemely general, its not too big or too little of a goal.
Now lets look at one year.
Short term, 21. First and foremost I would love to find the strenghth and courage to say I love you again. To mean it again. Not saying i didn't mean it, but to be able to say that with every piece of me I love you. To have the butterflies again and to smile non stop.
I want my next boyfriend to take up all of my free time unless I'm doing something with my girls or with the fam. No I take that back about with my family. I want my next mate to meet my family and make friends with them. If I can accept him then I'm sure they will. I want to get into the school I really wanted to go to... MIAD! Hopefully I can not only get there but also find my husband there. I want to get out of target, and get a teachers aide position at any school. I want to travel to someplace outside of United states in this next year as well. I really want to go to Paris or Madrid. Both places would be wonderful. But I want to do this traveling with my boyfriend. So he has to be able to afford it too. Or save up like I am going to. I think my next note will have to be about what I want in a guy. It just wouldnt be right If I wrote about my future and not let you guys know what he would be like. =) Well that was my flash forward. Prob one of my more boring posts. Sorry if you feel that way. I promise to make up for it.

Sexcapades (fiction)

Today I woke up hungry... Not a hunger for food. Or even a hunger for thought and education.
SEX HUNGRY!
So my neighbor called me asking me what I was doing around 1 or 2pm. Nothing that I could think of so I said, "I should be chillin.."
"Well my shower isn't working so can I come by on my lunch break and shower over there?"
"I don't mind. Just call me when u get home."
So now Im thinking, could my dreams been answered. My vibrator is in need of new batteries so whats better than the real thing? So I lay back down and fall into a cozy sleep. I began to float and I'm looking over myself in a deep sleep so peaceful.
I can hear Common's song "Sex 4 Suga"....
The chanting chorus...
Sex for suga
Suga for sex....
Then I see myself get up and open the door for my neighbor.
He quickly undresses and asks for a towel and wash cloth, I lead him to the bathroom. I turn the water on for him. As the steam accumulates, I began to wonder... maybe I could join him. So I see my self go in to the bathroom, take my hair out of my pony tail and pull the shower curtain to the side and get in the shower. I can't believe I am doing this.
I ask him to hand me my wash cloth and begin to lather up. We begin to talk and he starts lathering up his penis... Now I wanna look but I don't wanna look. So i take a glance... I peek. And I can see it growing.
I say I need to wash my hair and immerse myself under the running water. It was so relaxing. So un nerving. I can feel him watching me. And I ask him if he wants to get in the water. He says sure, so I move out of the way. With water dripping from every inch of my body. My hair is drenched and back to its natural state. Curly and thick. So as I turn away from the water he grabs my ass and watches it bounce and jiggle. He does this a couple times and I act as if this is not happening. He asks, "You have been working out huh?"
"No, not at all." With a smile across my face I turn my head to look at him. Muscular tall and nice abs. No better than nice, scrumptious. He was Colombian, but he could pass for black, just a little tanner than they usually come.
Here comes that chant again...
Sex 4 Suga
Suga 4 Sex
And I began to think about how us women trade in our sweetness for sex. And how men tell us we are still sweet... tasting. . . before the sex.
I blink and now he is putting on a condom and spreading my cheeks. Gripping my soft and tender behind.
And it begins.
He slides right in and feels right at home. Tight, warm and wet. My love surrounded his in a vulgar way as the water runs down my body and his as well. Now my back it bent over and my hands are touching my toes and his thrusts get stronger and the water splashes louder.
Louder
LOUDER
Then as I feel a vibration come up from the tips of my toes to the space between my thighs, I moan in desperation, I want more.
MORE!
So I now arch my back and put my hands on the wall and he pulls me closer.
The water splashes LOUDER AND LOUDER
And his thrusts are coming harder and faster.
I back up against him and now one of his legs is on the side of the tub and my leg is wrapped around his. Both standing on our right legs, backs against the wall, water running, sliding down every crevice of our intertwined bodies.
He lets me back up on him. I grind and flex and bend over while he grabs me by the waist. Just the feeling of his hands there makes a wet warm juice flow out of me.
The chanting again.
Sex 4 Suga
Suga 4 Sex
And the vibration comes back up my legs and he moves one of his hands to my warmest nook and begins to massage my clitoris.
THANK YOU JESUS!
My body began to shake more intensely than before.
"Are you cuming?"
"Yea.."
"You cuming.."
"Ye..a.."
And as the full word
"YES"
leaves my lips, I tremble then tighten up not wanting the warmth to leave me.
Then he says, "Good."
And he grabs me by the waist and lifts me up and down...
Up
Down
Up
Down
and then he moans and pushes me off to the other side of the shower. I stand there.
Exhausted. Dripping wet from water and the sexual juices I have just let loose. Still aroused.
I blink and I am laying in my bed...
In between my thighs is wet and throbbing for some lovin...
It was all a dream.
Or was it.
Thats when I heard a knock at my front door.
And the chanting began...
Sex 4 Suga
Suga 4 Sex

Walking down Memorie Lane

Sitting with my legs crossed "Indian" style I look up to the sky to see my mind just floating on memories. Floating on memories of him and I walking hand in hand through the mall. Him and I dancing at prom. He told me I was beautiful, I felt beautiful. Driving in the car listening to "our" song. Spending a weekend at the hotel. Taking pictures. Ahh the memories. Sneaking around late at night because we knew we were doing things we shouldn't have done. Man the memories...

You. I remember when back in the day being in love was like something nobody was ready for and through the years I have come to find that you are such a great friend. How could a crush grow into such a strong relationship. We never kissed or ever even did "it". We were just so into the thought of each other that that was enough. No matter what I would go though you would pop back into my life at the right time. All because I would be getting screwed over by the other guy, then the next guy and the guy after that. You should have been the first and only guy but man... We were so young and naive. I always think about how jealous I was when I found out you finally had a girl friend, whom you have been with for a while now. And I can't help to think, how come I have to go through all of these trials of love when a lot of people have found their one. Maybe you could have been my one... I value our friendship because there is always room for fantasy. We get to dream about the what ifs and could have beens. And now thanks to technology we can instantly see pictures of each other and flirt just like always. Always wondered what it would have been like if we would have actually pursued a relationship... There is always slumber land.

You. After meeting you at a college bound program over the summer, I have had not so much long term luck with guys. This was what 4 years ago? I never thought we'd go from flirting with each other to hopelessly in love with no sense of direction. You and I have had some hell of a 4 years huh? Like from the first year when you saved me from "him". Or when we went to the park and just talked. Oh remember when we ran into your dad? That was hilarious. Oh and I missed you so much when you left for Tennessee. Lane College... The best and worst thing that happened to us. To this very day I cant tell you the moment when I just was like "I love you". I sorta just grew into it. Through the friend ship and the fighting and the distance. You are a friend that I can't get rid of. Sometimes I wonder how come I let you get away with things that you have done, and there is just something about you. Maybe it's because we have grown up together in a sense. What ever it is, you are one filled with wisdom for when I need it. And it helps that you dream just as much as I do. A house in New Mexico.... So I wont have to work.... Sweet dreams. Even sweeter memories. Memories of telling each other "I hate you" which after two years finally turned into "I love yous." The only fault we have is, were we ever boy friend girl friend. I can't remember ever saying that you were. We have just had a special bond like that huh? Does it even matter because I freakin LOVE IT!!!

You. A crush I have had since the age of 12! Yes even back then I felt the same way I feel now. But the thing that killed me then was you never paid me any attention until I was 15 or 16, when I would go to the Y. Thats when you and I actually got a chance to flirt. It was like a dream come true to actually get attention from some one you had a crush on since you were 12. I felt like Violet from "The Incredibles" When Tony Ranger gives Violet some attention at the end of the movie... Did I blossom? Or did you always have a crush on me too? You have never answered that question. But I always ask. Now were going on 20 and still the playful banter. Still the crush. But now there are some more adult factors that come into play. The fact that we finally hooked up and are planning on making some BIG moves... Thats jus scaring me to death because it still doesn't seem real. You're tall, handsome, street smart, and I feel safe around you. Oh and dam we can talk about anything. ANYTHING. Honesty is key. Don't hold nothing back. Just give it all and put it on the table. My only fear is hurting you. So as we take this to a higher level.... Im gonna wear my seat belt.

You. I knew you since my junior year of highschool. We didn't start hangin out til my senior year. We started off as friends going to get ice cream. Then one day I had to ask my self was this a dream? Then after meeting your parents and you met mines, we were OFFICIAL... We would go to Ihop so much it became our spot. Oh and don't forget pizza shuttle. Those were the days. Then the sneaking aroung began. Well It wasn't sneaking really. You would just pick me up when you had to run an errand for your mom and then take too long getting home. Oh man and prom was THE BEST!!! You made me feel so beautiful and so lucky. Never felt that special in my life. The only thing I can say is that stress and new begginings pulled us apart. Even though my last day was spent in your kitchen cooking my special recipie of GUMBO with your mom. That was a good day. Im so glad that we can still party too. Man we have had some wild nights!!!! So next time I make a good pot of gumbo you are first on the list. Mouth watering already!

Memories old yes but sufficing yes. The most important memories of love can only truly be recited from the heart. Raw. Now there is one I can't talk about yet because, I'm not sure if its really over yet. So if you are offended by that then .... Well shit I really don't care because the day I actually sit and reminice on the good days will be the day I blog about it. lol Sorry hun...

Nobody's perfect but I thought you were perfect enough

Talk about being decieved. So after deactivating my facebook account because my boyfriend at the time said he was deactivating his; my brother calls me up and says, "hey I thought so and so and you decided to turn off your facebooks". And my initial reaction was wait we just broke up not even 3 days ago and if he is back on facebook it makes me wonder. So I get hot and sweaty and my blood is boiling and I am about to hit the roof. So i look up over my head and see my imagination working. I see a vision of my hands around his neck, right next to it is a vision of him and I making love, and above the two of them is a vision of me with alone and him with another woman. Now I know by now my brother is on the phone thinking, "Sis are you alright?" So I try to pull myself together and just answer his question. "Umm yea bro, y u ask that?" So he says "Well uh sis I hate to tell you this but I'm pretty sure your boy is back on here." So all of that 180degree blood went up to 200 and my eyes started getting ready for the flood. Just a month ago he was so into me, the best man I ever had even gave me money if I needed it. And now he's the same guy I knew when I met him. A womanizer. Looking for some other prey for another day. How come guys don't stay the same? I know us women change but, look at all we are going through well look at all I am going through. I am working my way through college and paying rent and paying bills I work 35+ hrs on weekends alone, and my car got stolen 2 and 1/2 weeks ago. So if you think I ever had time to cheat on you, look mister you were wrong. All of your insecurities have become mine and thats not right. I was not the jealous type, I could care less but when you tell me you feel a way that you don't really feel thats wrong. Is there a laughing clown or is the hell date lil man about to come out or am I being punked because I feel that this just isn't fair at all. But I know that eventually I will get mines. Some where out there is that guy for me maybe I have known him all my life or maybe I haven't. I just know that I am a pretty sincere person and this expectation of being the perfect cool sexy cute intelligent self determined girl is too demanding. So I'm taking the perfect part off. And as I peel that label off my forehead I ask for not one guy to EVER EVER EVER call me perfect or refer to me as perfect because after you keep telling your selves that you start believing it and once you find out how much of a bitch I am its gonna hurt.

How I used to feel

How come I just can’t be myself around you? I feel trapped sometimes you know. Like how Maya Angelo speaks of the caged bird just waiting for the freedom. Yes I smoke. Weed, no, well not any more. Me and Mr. Easy used to bag that shit up. Sticky, Orange, Mid, Purp, you name it, he knew someone who had it. And he was your weed man. Then when he stepped his game up to pills and man those was some crazy nights. We used to get fucked up and have the best sex; In the car, in the house, on the bed on the floor or even in a chair. Get fucked up and fuck. Sell the drugs and left over’s for us. Or if someone wanted a sample, lets puff puff pass it around til our feet dont touch the ground. I would die for that nigga. But you didn’t want to hear that shit did you. “I think she’s trying to save the 'baby'.” That’s what all my friends are probably saying behind my back. It was because I didn’t drink that night. They kept on persisting but I held my ground and said no. Trying to save the baby?(smh) How about trying to save us maybe? Even though you’re like a thousand miles away doing who knows what. I’m trying to become a better me. And there could be a baby ....maybe. But I’m stuck playing follow the leader instead of doing me. Back when I met you I told you what I was all about. I told you about trying to save money and just trying to keep up with the bills. I told you about the time before there was a you. Did you know that I got my heart broken and even til this day I think about that nigga. I bet you didn’t want to hear that either. While smoking my black n mild, I thought about how you didn’t want me to smoke or drink because you have standards, and then I thought about kickin back with my ex well after we were broken up and smoking a black well my third of that night and sippin on some vodka which made me make a bad decision. I allowed him to have sex with me, cum inside of me leaving me soaking wet in remorse because I wasn't his significant other any more. He belonged to some one else. I took that from her, and in return something has taken you from me. I'm not sure if it was my actions or my words but deep down inside I know that this isn't going to last much longer. They never do. Even though I had to bring him up, it brought me back to you. I love you and you might not ever read this but I once lived for us. And every moment I spent alone always lead my fingers to the keyboard, always thinking of you.

Can I Love, Actually

I have had it up to here! Do you really think that I am going to leave you just like that? The day I have really had it up to here, you probably wont even notice, but i would have been disappeared. How do you tell the one you love the most that you have been confiding in someone else because you feel ignored? What if you have given them warning after warning and they still don't care. They feel betrayed because they think your going to go cheat on them through the telephone or the internet. Its a long distance thing. Left alone, really alone. A thousand miles away and no one to hold you while you sleep. No one to kiss after a long day of work. No one to tell about your day because they are "tired" or "too busy" to answer one of the 5 phone calls you just made. So you feel empty and unloved because of it. I feel like damn. I just got your name tattooed on my body and you got mines too, but do i even interest you anymore. Not even enough for a damn phone call. Its a shame really when one person puts so much into a relationship only to feel like they're not in love only loving some one. Some one who used to demand to hear their mates voice every day and every unoccupied minute. What am i supposed to do? I say I am tired of the emptiness, i say i am tired of the loneliness but how do i say these feelings with out his ever so used quote of "Do you wanna break up? Yes or No?" In the back of my mind I am screaming, "Im soo sick of this shit. You want me to loose you? Well get lost!" How are women supposed to act when their men wont speak to them about whats bothering them? I can't even say how I feel because I am numb. I cried myself to sleep thinking "what did I do wrong?" Every night I think about how we are supposed to act as a couple. As a whole. Not me be me and you be you. Together. Then there's that old quote that goes "United we stand, divided we fall". And i wonder does that apply to us? Maybe So... To be continued...

Contemplation About My Writing Style

So as I sit and read blogs from my peers I start to think about what I want this to be. I want to be more creative with this here and take it to another level. I read one of my best, well what I believe is my best so far and I want to write from with in not just whats on my mental but whats in my heart like poetry in prose. Like skip all the graphics and make your mind wonder, no doubt that there will be the occasional sex scene or memory or what not. But I'm just saying I rather the keys soak up my feelings rather than my spit out all my thoughts.

Lady in the streets....

Every guy wants a girl that he can introduce to his mother and his boys. Right. And Every guy also wants a girl that knows her way around the bedroom if you know what I mean. The way I see it if a guy goes around saying he eats kitty cat, either he doesn't, he's not good at it or he cant brag on his Johnson because he doesn't know how to work it. I mean like for serious, I don't want my man going around saying he eats kitty cat because then every girl is gonna go after him. I also wouldn't want my man going around talking about how good his Johnson is because every girl is different. Like really do girls go around sayin how tight their kitty is to get guys? I don't. I don't go around talking about how good my Johnson sucking skills are either. Now if I'm talking dirty to my man that is different. Miss kitty will be all sorts of wet tight hot misty and what not. And I might tell my man that I'm going to suck the shit out of his Johnson and deep throat or what ever. But I'm not going to broad cast that to the world. Guys want a mild mannered girl, right? And if he wants a hoe he doesn't want a housewife. But most guys go for the housewife. I'd be a housewife. But I wouldn't be desperate. Hopefully our sex life will be well situated. Not like a schedule but my husband and I will have to like sex equally enough and know when each other wants something sexually. Now I am a woman and I have to say you guys are right that we want sex just as much as you do if not more but we know how to hide it. But don't keep us waiting too long because one night we might surprise you or scare you. You'll be looking into our eyes and see the fire that you have gotten yourself into. But I also think that just because you want sex, you don't need it. It can cloud your mind. It can make you feel things you shouldn't because its only been two weeks. And if you are having sex after knowing some one for two weeks, u need to re-evaluate things. I mean this is the 21st century and all the year 2009 but still we still should have standards because even though u think you know that person they can still change after the sex. And what if the sex is bad? Well thats a different post for a different day. So ladies don't be putting your sex skills out there and you guys need to do the same. Nobody wants others to know what goes on behind closed doors unless your behind that closed door.

My Diamond Girls

Ok so I know everyone has those two friends that are like either make you look good because they always look good. And I have two. These girls like to party, dress up and wear make up! I love these girls with all my heart. They bring out the top model in me. They bring out the freak em dresses and the heels that make your feet hurt but you still wear them because when I'm with these girls I feel SEXY! I swear no matter where we go, some guy is either gawking at our asses hanging out our shorts or our cleavage (due to push up bras). I swear guys wanna take us home and fuck the shit out of us when they see us. But thats another thing these two girls give me. The power to flirt all night long and leave him "CHOPPED AND SCREWED". Before I met these two I never knew how good it felt to string guys along and keep them thinking that one day they would get to home plate! Its something about giving a guy a peep show at the club or grinding up against him and knowing that he's NOT coming home with you. I bet some of my male readers are like why can't we come home? Well it's simple, we dont want to meet someone at the club and date them. Duh! We just want to make you guys fantasize about that one girl at the club because she was so sexy! And we only hope you are at the club the next time we go, so we can do it all over again! Now again I know my male readers are like well sometimes girls do invite us home, and my response to that is maybe she doesn't have standards or she's looking for that one night stand to get over her ex boyfriend. (And sometimes that doesn't even work) But back to my girls, they are always there to cheer me up when I have guy problems and the cure is almost always partying or clubbing! Oh and lets not forget SHOPPING! Yes ya'll I have two girlsfriends ones my BIOTCH and the other is my BOO! They are both wifey's for when an ugly guy comes and try to get one of our numbers and we have to use the "We're lesbians" excuse. I love them dearly and they will ride or die and so will I!

Insecure

Who is going to stand? Who is going to stand up for what you believe in? Who is going to throw in the towel? This world is full of people who run away from the stress. People who avoid the struggle of life so they cower away from things that in the end will make them a better person. A better lover a better mate a better friend a better worker. I think that people who take the easy way out will sooner or later find themselves in a ditch of loneliness. You don't want to work to make us stronger therefor you will remain weak. In ever aspect of life, there will be a time of stress. There will be a time for struggle. The question is, are you ready for it? Making excuses for things in my eyes are unacceptable. Depending on the circumstances. We all have excuses and sometimes they are valid but to break up with some one because u don't want to go through the transitions of love, why get in the relationship in the first place. If any relationship is built to last you have to learn how that person you are in the relationship is. Some people say they break up because of jealousy. When i hear that i think well what did that person do to make their mate so insecure? And being insecure about your mate is something you have to work through. It can't be cured in a week or two but it also cant be cured if you wont talk to that person. No matter how little the incident insecure is insecure. Like a car accident with out your seat belt you're un-secure. But doesn't every one have insecurities?
I have insecurities. I am insecure about being so thin. People think I work out or what ever to be so thin. Nope this is just me. When i see my self in videos or pictures, i see my self as awkward. Like the goofy little kid i always was and probably always will be. And sometimes I get insecure about my looks. Now everyone calls me cute and adorable and fine. But sometimes I think that I'm not. Even when people say I'm beautiful, i never really feel it. The only time I can say I truly felt beautiful is prom. I walked to open the door for my date and he was blown away and told me how beautiful I was. I can't even recall my dad saying I was beautiful, hopefully on my wedding day ( if there is one) that will be the day. Maybe my insecurities about my looks could be why I have so many male friends or why I flirt at work with co-workers. I think that having male friends makes me feel wanted because I know that deep down inside they probably want me. Admitting this to my self, I can see where i screwed up with my boyfriend. Because, really he never really made me feel beautiful, cute and sexy maybe but beautiful. I can't really recall. That's probably why I kept messaging with that guy on facebook 3 days after we met because he kept calling me beautiful. Flattery is a bitch huh? I never thought about these things until now. Maybe I need to figure out how to fix this complex before it ruins my relationship with my man.

Friendships til the End?

So I'm sitting at the computer thinking about friendships. Friendships are supposed to last. Just like love. Have you ever hear the song that goes, "Friends, how many of us have them?..." Most of us have. And I have to say I had a dream that my old friend and I were friends again. And I mean this girl and I used to be tight! So tight. We were friends when i was 15 and 16 years old. For two whole years we were friends. We would walk to each others house and hang out. I remember her and I went to the mall and got matching outfits. We really were "best friends". Well i thought we were. We told each other everything, did eachothers hair and went over boys houses together, we would even fight for each other. Now how did this friendship end? Oh yea, I would call it bullshit because girls always do this. This guy really liked her and he didn't know how to tell her so he asked me to "hook" them up. We were teenagers so I tried to convince her that he was a nice guy and what not. Now this girl she was soo mean and picky. She hated people and didn't like making new friends. Everyone in school knew her as a bitch. And i was that bitches friend, right. Well anyways she told me to stay out of her business when it came to guys and I was just like, wait what? And yea that ended our friendship. She became the girl in our high school that no one liked and who liked nobody. Come to find out this girl actually went out with the same guy I was "hooking" her up with . The guy she claimed she didn't like. To me I don't even feel like I lost a friend in her because a true friend wouldn't let that slide. Let me tell you about a true friend. One of my best best friends in the whole wide world. My BFFITWWW (As one of my friends likes to say) She and I met working at Target in 2006. She actually trained me as a cashier. She was so friendly when I met her, always smiling. Once I started giving her rides home thats when our friendship evolved. We found out about each others backgrounds and were completely open with each other. One day I remember her asking me "How long do you think we will be friends?" And that day I answered her question with a question, "Why would you ask a question like that?" Now its 2009 and we are still friends who have each others back. If she needs anything I would break my back to do it and visa versa. And now that I think about her question I simply answer it with "Never." There is no one who could replace a friend like that. Everyone needs a best friend that they can depend on. Do you have a best friend?