How I used to feel

How come I just can’t be myself around you? I feel trapped sometimes you know. Like how Maya Angelo speaks of the caged bird just waiting for the freedom. Yes I smoke. Weed, no, well not any more. Me and Mr. Easy used to bag that shit up. Sticky, Orange, Mid, Purp, you name it, he knew someone who had it. And he was your weed man. Then when he stepped his game up to pills and man those was some crazy nights. We used to get fucked up and have the best sex; In the car, in the house, on the bed on the floor or even in a chair. Get fucked up and fuck. Sell the drugs and left over’s for us. Or if someone wanted a sample, lets puff puff pass it around til our feet dont touch the ground. I would die for that nigga. But you didn’t want to hear that shit did you. “I think she’s trying to save the 'baby'.” That’s what all my friends are probably saying behind my back. It was because I didn’t drink that night. They kept on persisting but I held my ground and said no. Trying to save the baby?(smh) How about trying to save us maybe? Even though you’re like a thousand miles away doing who knows what. I’m trying to become a better me. And there could be a baby ....maybe. But I’m stuck playing follow the leader instead of doing me. Back when I met you I told you what I was all about. I told you about trying to save money and just trying to keep up with the bills. I told you about the time before there was a you. Did you know that I got my heart broken and even til this day I think about that nigga. I bet you didn’t want to hear that either. While smoking my black n mild, I thought about how you didn’t want me to smoke or drink because you have standards, and then I thought about kickin back with my ex well after we were broken up and smoking a black well my third of that night and sippin on some vodka which made me make a bad decision. I allowed him to have sex with me, cum inside of me leaving me soaking wet in remorse because I wasn't his significant other any more. He belonged to some one else. I took that from her, and in return something has taken you from me. I'm not sure if it was my actions or my words but deep down inside I know that this isn't going to last much longer. They never do. Even though I had to bring him up, it brought me back to you. I love you and you might not ever read this but I once lived for us. And every moment I spent alone always lead my fingers to the keyboard, always thinking of you.