I just been doing me since 09 dropped....

And when your loving stopped thats when my money topped....

yea topped like overflowed, boy you know my love is gold

thats why your new girl she resembles me.....

we went to high school together, u ask her if she remember me?

Are you with her for the love or u just cant be alone?

Funny how people act after I'm gone

Rather after they gone, they always sing a sad song about

Now the world is against them

And how they friends really wasn't they friends

And how every good thing must come to an end

So Im looking but Im not looking.....

Every one has thier qualifications of what they are looking for in a mate. Me, I have qualifications but I'm not looking, really..... I want a honest, head strong guy who is opinionated. I Think that a guy should not be submissive because I will not know what is on his mind. I should be able explain what kind of guy I want in a short story better than I can just explaining it. I roll out of the bed, stand up and stretch. Look in the mirror and I wipe the crust out of my eyes and fix my hair with my fingers. I turn on my stereo and begin to vibe to the mix I just downloaded yesterday. Keri Hilson, Gucci Mane, Jay-Z, Lauryn Hill, Common, Nikki Minaj, Blok Beeze, Lotta Luccie, Ken, and Amerie, are pumping me up while I get my day started. I pick out my clothes, A sexy skirt and a dressy top with some high heels. I don't have to work today so why not look good! I grab a Balance(R) protein bar and eat it on my way to the shower. As I'm lathering up with my music on blast, I think about this guy of my dreams. Hes 6'1, smooth ass skin brown sugar complexion, Nice ass smile but he wear a gold grill with diamonds in it. He has a lot of tattoos. Sexy ass body. Nice size ..... LOL You already know. Feels like I'm rapping about this guy. But he keeps a low cut but he used to have braids, wears his doo rag so he stay with the waves. His style so clean always dressing fly, his car clean too it catch everybody eye, He smart as hell and he used to sell drugs if you asked him what he's done before he'll tell you all of the above. He smoke that good bag always keep his . He a ride or die nigga, stay down for his friends, he about his paper too dont gotta worry about ends. I dont know what it is about about a street smart nigga but it makes me kinda hot and he can't live with his mamma he got his own spot, He in school too goin for business management he wants to be like p. diddy He from new york and he wanna show me the city So he wanna take me one day...... His moms is a teacher and his daddy wasn't there when he was a kid so hes a mammas boy but every since he met me hes now mamas boy...... LOL This is jus a lil bit of my qualifications.....

Irrationaly thinking

Lost me But IDK Where.....

Is caught on a thought tonight.... Thats where most bloggers blogs come from right? I just realized I have lost myself but I dont know where I left me. I have alot of friends and they are very close to me. But Im talkin about LOVE.... When was the last time I really loved... Or was there only one time.... Over the weekend I spent time with a dear friend of mine. I really like him but we didnt have that kind of connection. We get along great but it was like we were playing the roles but not letting out emotions take place. Why is that. Im not doing it on purpose. I promise. Its crazy cuz some times I refer to him as my boyfriend when I know hes not but once again the actions sometimes confuse my thinking and the word just comes out. I'm not being very artistic tonight, just being real.... I could get used to the way my weekend went but.... There was something missing. I was just a friend. lol just like that Mario song. But im serious.... I ought to write a song about this or a poem.... Yep I will....
Dueces... Ari

Ok Yall I kno its been a while bUT KEN IS THE MAN!!!!

Any barbie lookin for a Ken doll??? Well Ladies I got one for ya! He is so cool the artic circle aint got shit on him!!! I am actually takin a break out of my paper work thas over due for this because hes kinda a BIG DEAL.... As a matter of Fact he got a new Mix Tape out n all of yall should download it n give your critique ...
Im not a groupie its just the truth....
So as Ken says "Smoke this mixtape"

http://www.mediafire.com/?djmtum54y1z

&&&& Follow his blog : http://rallnerdsascool.blogspot.com

I'm back!

Disclaimer: Now I know I haven't been blogging in a minute but I have been really busy. But today I promise you will feel alright with that after you read today's post.

Lately a lot of the people in my circle have been going through some things and as much as I want to help it seems as though I cannot. I wake up this morning eyes still with crust in them, allergies beginning to flare up and it is only 5:30 am. I get up out of bed and I stretch yawn then throw on some shorts and some flip/flops. I only sleep in a t-shirt. I go down stairs and the struggle of daily life begins.

"Good Morning Granny"

"Good Morning baby"

"Did you wash up yet?"

"No."

"Ok let me get your stuff so you can do so."

"I don't know if I want to go today or not."

"Well, lets just see how you feel after you wash up ok?"

I take her the tub filled with soap water and her towel and wash cloth, hang her towel on her walker and set the tub with the wash cloth next to her bed.

Leave room.

Close door.

Enter dark bedroom. Go to dresser, grab allergy medicine.

"Ma, granny said she doesn't know if she wants to go or not today. Im going back up stairs be down in 10 minutes."

Mom replies, "She is going to want to go, she will change her mind just watch."

Up, up, up, I climb 26 steps, stop breathe, continue the trek to my room. Sit on bed, sigh.

Granny, 82y rs old. Legs have poor circulation so the always swell. She can't move fast enough to get to the bathroom so there is a potty in her room. Have to change it or else it swells. She has had 2 bad strokes and too many mini ones to count. 1 heart failure. And countless other problems. Slight dementia, a new one.

7 minutes pass. Phone vibrates, Ma shows on caller ID.

"Hello"

"She said she wants to go. I picked her clothes out."

"Ok, i figured she would once she washed up."

"Ok. See you when you come down here."

Grab a bottle of water, take allergy medicine, eat protein bar.

Stand up go down stairs.

Walk though kitchen, make a right turn. Walk into Granny's room.

She has her pants, socks and shoes on.

She needs her bra. I get one out of the drawer hand it to her and see if she can figure out how to put it on.

She hooks it on, but its twisted. Then she forgets to turn it around so I help her.

I turn it around for her and I unhook it and re-hook it in the back.

I help her put her shirt on. She wears yellow today. She looks very radiant in yellow.

"Did you brush your teeth?"

"Not yet"

"Ok I will get that stuff for you after I do your hair."

No reply, she just nods her head.

I unbraid her hair and take it out the pony.

I get the comb and brush and comb her hair. I comb it until it is soft. Her hair is long and gray with a streak of dark gray almost black. It is wavy. I get the grease and rub it in between my palms and rub it in her hair mainly around the edges to keep it from sticking up. I brush it and comb it into a pony tail. I braid the pony tail and put a rubber band on the end of it.

"Ok granny let me go get your toothbrush."

I go get the toothbrush and her pan. The pan is dirty so I wash it out in the kitchen. I get her toothbrush and I rinse it put toothpaste on it and take it to my Granny.

It takes her all of five minutes to finish.

"Now all you have to do is eat and take your medicine and you are ready to go"

.
.
.
These days are gone. A month ago was different. The last sunset she saw was the most beautiful sunset ever. I know that she is watching down on me, and from now on the way I live the rest of my life will be different. I will live to make her proud of me. Because all I ever want is for her to smile.

Breakfast Lunch and Dinner (Fiction)

I just don't know what my fascination is with food. But I love it.
I don't know what it is about sex either, but I love that too.
Put both of them together and u get
Mouth Savoring
Tongue Tantalizing
DELICIOUSNESS
And don't forget.... Ecstasy.

Usually we have a little routine. You come home and dinner's ready. We eat. Then we sit on the couch in front of the fire place I'm sipping wine and your drinking a beer. Talking about our day.
But today was different. We both took vacation time and our day started in the kitchen...

This morning I woke up to the smell of bacon... And damn did it smell good! I go in to the kitchen and I think my eyes deceived me because there was another woman in my kitchen cooking BOOTY ASS NAKED!!! Now what was I to do. I'm in shock because I'm not a lesbian but she had a nice figure.. Just being real. And I say hello to the woman.
"Well good morning beautiful," She speaks. I'm in shock because this chick just called me beautiful. Where is my MAN??
And in he comes from the bathroom with only a towel on. WHAT THE FUCK?!? So I say good morning to my man and kiss him on the cheek!
He banters with the girl and says be careful now don't want that hot grease scorching your soft skin.
I have a million and one questions going through my mind. I must be dreaming! Because this is not happening.
My husband comes to me and says, "Baby, I was going to bring you breakfast in bed. Go back and wait in the room. "
So I play along and go back in my room. I wait.. I listen for moans of any kind. I hear none. So I'm still confused as to what is going on. I never jump to conclusions because I love my man and I trust him.
So the bedroom door creeks open. I see her come in with a tray with juice, whipped cream, syrup, and chocolate chips...
My husband comes in with nothing... So I'm kinda pissed cuz I'm hungry. And all she has is some juice and damn toppings!
My husband comes over to me and kissed the anger right out of me. With his hand in my hair and strength keeping me close. I became dizzy with lust.
Then the girl puts the tray down and gets in the bed next to me. And I begin to put two and two together. But this time it equals three. . .
She looks at me and pulls my bra strap down and grabs my breast and starts sucking on it. Awkward at first but once I closed my eyes I couldn't tell the difference. My husband got up and got some whipped cream and put it on my belly then took some of the chocolate chips and put them on top and began to feast all the while this girl is still sucking and licking on my breasts. I felt as if I had took a pain pill and was hallucinating. My head began to feel really light as my husband finished up the whipped cream. I told him it was his turn.
So I got up , made him lay down, and got the syrup. . . Now I was hoping this syrup would be used for some pancakes or waffles but not today. Today my breakfast was a sausage... A big juicy one. I pour some of the syrup on my husbands penis and started to lick it off. It tasted so good. So now with my mouth watering I continued to lick and suck on my husbands penis.
I totally forgot about the girl until I felt someone pulling on my panties. She pulled them off and grabbed my ass. I could feel her breath on my back side and then she bit my butt cheek! "Oww!" I moaned and accidentally grid my teeth along my husbands penis. He moaned and then my kitty got wet! The girl took both of my cheeks in her hands and licked kitty.
I'm trying to concentrate on sucking on my husbands penis so I ignore what ever the girl does. I grab his balls and continue to go up and down on his penis with my mouth. He grabs my hair and now I know that hes feeling it. His penis is hitting the back of my throat and I feel miss kitty getting really wet. This girl is doing her thing my legs are shaking and I'm still doing my thing licking on the tip of his penis. Hes still feeling it and then I suck really hard one last time because I can't concentrate anymore because I am getting ready to squirt all over this girls face and my husband now has both hands in my hair so I know hes is getting ready to explode. My legs tighten up and i feel his penis get even harder. And I scream and he moans and I taste my husbands relief in my mouth and this girl is licking me dry.
My husband gets up and looks me in the eye and kisses me dead in the mouth so passionate. His tongue exploring my mouth as if he never kissed me before. I could feel his penis harden up against my wet kitty. The girl is standing there behind us feeling left out. My husband lays me back down on the bed, ass up, and enters me from behind. Now I never ate a girl before but i thought I would give it a try. I motion for her to come over and I look at her kitty its similar to mines but not mines. Lol but I lick around it while my husband is trusting in and out of me from behind. My kitty gets wetter just looking at hers. So i take my lips and pucker up and kiss her lips and open them with my tongue and swirl it around. I am still hungry so I begin to feast. I am moaning and eating while my pussy is getting the business handed to me by my husband and the girl is liking what I'm doing because she is grabbing her breasts and moaning. I begin to lick and suck and play with her kitty. It tastes so good but not better than my husbands syrup flavored penis. I am getting ready to burst and I think she is too because her legs and my legs were gyrating uncontrollably. Who ever thought it could feel so good giving pleasure to another woman while getting pleasure from a man. I can feel her kitty pulsate as she gets ready to give me her juice and my husband grabs my ass and smacks it making me leak out some hot juices. He pumps harder and faster which tells me he is getting ready to come again. The same stroke repeatedly, as I moan from his trusts I suck on her clit and flick it with my tongue and we all begin to slow down, not wanting to, but our bodies are not ready for this explosion. But she came first and it was so hot and wet that it made me get soaking wet and the feeling was so great with my husbands penis inside of me that I backed up on it causing him to scream "Damn- baby -wait" then I reached back and grabbed his balls and they were wet from my kitty. And my husband pushed himself inside of me releasing a bigger nut than the first.
We were all exhausted. Well maybe I was but my husband said he wasn't ready to stop so the girl got up from the bed and my husband told me to turn over. I did and my husband started kissing me from my neck to my navel all the way to my toes and sucked each one individually.
My body couldn't handle all of this. I told my husband to hand me that glass of juice and I took a sip. Refreshing. But the girl got an idea and says, "Lets take body shots off of her stomach."
And so they did each taking turns licking and sucking on my belly ring. Leaving hickeys on my abdomen. I still feel like I am dreaming, until my husband bites my side and I moan. Taking a firm grim on reality and the sheets I don't realize that they are both making their way down my body. One on the right and the other on the left. They kissed from my kitty to my thighs and then back up taking turns licking my kitty. This was amazing. They were licking and kissing and sucking and then my husband put a finger in me and wiggled it around. I moaned and flinched and some how my hands were in forcing both of their heads to my kitty. She was ready for just one more nut. I was loving this attention especially when my husband reached up and grabbed my breast with his other hand. The girl moved my husbands head out of the way and began to dig her face in to my kitty. It felt so good and my husbands finger was still down there hitting that spot. I was getting ready to take off into Ecstasy my husband took his hand out and put his finger in my mouth. I sucked on it and the girl just kept on eating. I now had both hands in her hair and my legs locked up around her. I didn't want her to stop she kept going, licking faster and sucking so hard. I could feel my kitty getting ready to release a fierce one. She was still doing her thing. My legs began to shiver and tremble. I moan, my husband grabs my breast and sucks on it and then I scream and grind my kitty into her face. Ohh it felt so good. I let her sit there with her face in my kitty for just a second more and then I unlock my legs.
I look at the clock . It is now 5:00pm. It time for dinner. So I ask her if she would like to stay for dinner and she replies yes. So we all head for the bathroom to clean up and get ready for some real food. Mmmm

Side Tracked by Memories

I started off making a post to my poetry blog. But I went off on a tangent and ended up with this. I hope you like it...

It is so crazy how life can past you by
Reminiscing on memories can make you cry
The swelling of the eyes brings back many moments
But my only question is do you cherish them and own them?
Running through the cold snow knocking you down at the age of 10,
Can't I just go back to then?
Walking on the slippery ice, knowing if I fall its going to hurt.
Something like love.
I first fell in love with music sitting on the school bus listening to the Fugees. Singing songs about love and making you come back to me... Only to make you mines.
Brings back memories of all kinds.
Memories of friendship. Running around at recess, playing tag and and being BAD.
Memories of kinship, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...I'm not sure if you remember but I do. Those gone memories are making me sad.
But Then what about more memories of music on the bus.. Ahh Jay-Z
he needs a minute no rush..
"Hard Knock Life" and "Friend or Foe"
My sacred memories, no one even knows!
My love for music has made my mind travel to many places
Let me get back to the memories, back to the basics
The days when I couldn't get you out of my face. Yelling "MYA MYA"
My favorite singer, who introduced me to a thing called heart break
Because "If you died I wouldn't cry because you never loved me any way"
But I cried when you left though, yep those "Tears on my pillow"
I can't remember how many times I cried. But I can remember how many times my heart was broken.
2. Two. Yess it was 2... One at the age of 18 and another at 20... There is this pain that you feel in the middle of your chest. You don't know what to do. You feel INSANE!!! For a second you become a ghost to yourself and not be able to control what you do or say. Then the loneliness kicks in. You don't know why you feel so lonely. You go to work and it feels like no one is there. You feel like going into "rehab". You feel so lost and vulnerable.
I digress. Time goes by so quickly...
Weren't we just in the park with the leaves beneath our feet as we ran with the wind in our faces. Don't I still smell the outdoorsy smell that you always smell like after being outside for too long.
I could swear we were just sitting in Culver's eating ice cream and burgers. Going to visit Baby.
Didn't we just go to the movies in the rain to see John Tucker must die? I thought I was going to melt in those rain drops.
Didn't we just go to the mall and stunt on everybody because it was your birthday? Then your mom made the BEST lasagna I had ever tasted!! The cheesiness was the best part. Besides the fact that I hadn't ate all day.
I thought it was winter again, when the best memories are made. So warm. So bright. But fall has some good ones too. Like in October when we went to that restaurant and had an actual date. It was kinda romantic. Just looking at you from across that table thinking that wow, I like this guy.
I remember pizza hut too though... All for you. I don't care if I was in school if you wanted some pizza, I brought it to you or ordered it to be delivered or something.
Or what about Apple-bees? Sharing that Mucho Margarita? It was soo strong. And the food was great!
I can smell the cilantro from the salsa at jaliscos!
This is just me side tracked by memories...

Apples and Oranges... Really?

So I was evaluating my life and my priorities and I was thinking.
So my friends are my friends and I love them and would try my hardest to help them when they needed it.
And my family is my blood and I am supposed to help them when they need it.
But where does LOVE come into play???
Now I know most of you have seen Deliver us from Eva. And if you haven't you are straight tripping! All I can think about is Mike Epps character asking Megan Good's character, "Baby I wanna be an Orange, Not an Apple." Because Megan Good's character and her sisters were so close and Mike Epps was her husband and he didn't get to feel like family, only her husband....
Enough about the movie...
I was thinking about my man and my family and where he would fit. I mean for me its pretty easy (sorry girls) but he comes before you guys because he's the one I have to come home to at night not you guys. But for my family that is hard. That's like my ex-boyfriend didn't come to my graduation because his aunt was in the hospital. I mean it wasn't his mother it was his aunt... To my mother I should have been put first in this situation because I was his girlfriend, but me I wasn't very upset with him because if one of my aunts gets sick and is on her death bed, I am going to be at that hospital.
I would never expect for my family to be so selfish though... Auntie is still going to be in that hospital 2hrs later after i done walked across the stage. My best friends couldn't even go because I gave 3 tickets to my boyfriend and his mom and dad.
But fast forward to the now... I'm moving back home to be with my granny. I love her to death and she comes before any man I will ever meet. But with that said I would hope my man would like to meet my granny and care for her as much as I do so that if she leaves me we can grieve together. There is nothing worse than grieving by your self.
On a more positive note I hope my man likes kids because he will be spending a lot of time with my nieces and nephews!!! And I would put them before him too. But once again if he would like to be apart of my life maybe he would want to be apart of my family's life.
When you merge your relationship with your family, it makes you stronger. Like I think that once your mate meets your family they get to see the real you. And that is so important.
OooooOOOooo Which brings me to another topic... You just can't take every guy/girl home to meet mom and pops! That will be my next post! Lol Next time yall...

A bad Good Morning

This morning. Raining.... I can hear the pulsating beats of the raindrops falling upon the pavement. Who would have know that my body would synchronize and let tears flow at the same consistency?
I got attached toy you. I shouldn't have. It is all my fault. Not yours. But now you want me to forget you as if it were all just a dream. I cant do that. You want me to move on and not stay attached. I hold your secret behind the walls of my chest, right next to my heart. You think that we can just go 8 months with out contact, communication, nothing, and forget eachother? I cant forget you. That's just wrong. I fell for it.
The lust.
The cuteness.
The ego.
The smiles.
The tears.
The art.
The games.
The movies.
The jokes.
The similarities.
The fun.
The texting.
The picturemail.
The metaphysical.
The love.
The joy.
All too good to be true. My friend. My friend is going to a place where he could not come back from. My friend is going so far away we wont be able to communicate. My friend is going so far away. Will my love reach? Will I be with my friend always?
My chest has been hurting all day. Right in the center. The middle of me on the right side of my heart. Is this what heart ache feels like? The bitterness of my past has come back with a vengeance. Like venom. Like poison. Destroying every dream. Every piece of happiness I have gained back since Feb 20th. The pain from last July. The 18th to be exact. The flashbacks of running back up those stairs ending up in tears and no one to call my love. The nights I spent alone. Still alone. Always alone. I wasn't alone. I slept with you on my mind and in my heart. But now my friend you will be leaving me in 9 weeks. For 8 months and maybe 8months more. What am I to do? For now I am speechless....

The other woman/man

Have you ever been the other woman? It sucks don't it. I mean only when you find out. Ha! I was the other woman ONCE! Only once. You can't be the other woman too many times now. How do you define the woman and the other woman though?
Well I think I have it all figured out. The woman... She is the first person he texts every morning. She is the one he is spending the bulk of his time with and the bulk of his money on. The woman.. Ahh he most likely lives with the woman. And if he doesn't he is usually with her 5 out of 7 nights a week. Oh and did I mention that the woman gets a title. He calls her by her name and refers to her as his woman. . .
The other woman. Well he texts her probably around noon. Wants to know if she's busy... If she is busy tonight.... He will resort to another woman. Phahahaha. Then also the other woman, doesn't get nice restaurants. She gets alot of cheap movie nights at her house of course, she gets introuced to the friends and family as his "friend" She also texts or calls him more than he calls her. Because most likely he has her dick whipped spending her money on him and not the other way. And if she is giving him money, well lets just say.... The woman is getting a cut!

Now for guys here is the other guy vs the man scenario....

If I had a man and a other guy......
This is how things would play out. My man would be the first person I text in the morning. I would send him a picture or something around lunch time. I would cook for him and get creative and make something for him either with visual art or literature or song or something. The man gets a key to my house. He drives my car when his is in the shop. He gets all the benefits. But when he fucks up.... There will be the other guy

Ohh , the other guy. He only gets to come by when I call him, or I go to him. Usually he never comes in my home because there is evidence of the Man. And when he tries to come in there is usually an excuse. I'm tired, or I have company or relatives over. Have you ever done that? Ha! The other guy is totally the guy that u get money from and sex too! Then even if you dont have good sex with your man, you can go get that nut from the other guy!
I haven't had a "other guy" in a while. After being in long distance relationship after another, I have remained completely celibate, outside of my relationship.
Have I ever been the other woman? Yes I have I was the other woman once. I was so naive. I was letting this guy tell me he lived with his grandma when in actuality he lived with his fiance! Thats what I get though, all for a nut, all for a NUT!!!!! Thats when I bought my first vibrator!

N-words....

Ok so I am COMPLETELY FED UP!
Now that thats out. . . One of my male friends texted me today saying that he was mad at me because I fell asleep last night. Ok so first if all, He actually thought that I was gonna make it up to him. Ha!!!
I laughed. I really laughed. Because why do guys think that they are the best thing since sliced bread. All that talk. ALL OF THAT TALK. So I look back at my many friendships and relationships with guys and I take note.... Hmmm only 4 guys actually did some thing for me, took me out to eat or to dinner, or just spent money on me because he cared about me.
Now to me this is sad because hmmmmm. . . I can actually say I was STUPID! Two guys had phones in my name.... One guy by the end of our relationship I had given him like 800 BUCKS... Then that negro had the NERVE TO ask ME to bail him out of jail! WHAT! I have bought Jordans, Fitted caps, dinners u name it! I have been brutally taken advantage of! And I'm done with that shit!
Where are my gifts? My flowers? My jewlery. Shit can I get a damn birthday card?
So back to my friend. You all know I had to let him know about his DUMB ASS response.
I told his ass "thank you" because he inspired me to put this out here for all of you ladies! You do not have to say yes to all these niggas! You should mean more to your self than they mean to you. They are totally DISPOSABLE..... Unless well hmm man I only had 2 guys that I never wanted to let go of and my friends think they were DISPOSABLE... soo I guess thats what that means.....
Wait I have to go off on a tangent and actually say.... There are guys that actually do want to give you the world and all the beautiful things u deserve... You just have to wait til he crosses paths with you. . . I had to end with a little bit of optimism....

Flash Foward

I know that at one point in time someone has be asked the question, "Where do you see your self in 10yrs?" And That would be where do I see my self at 30yrs of age.
Well damn. 30. 30. 30.
When you are a kid you can answer this question with ease. Every kid says they wanna be a lawyer or an astronaut or a doctor or police officer or fire fighter. Every one wanted to be in the service industry and play their part and act on their social responsibility as a human.
But today. A sunny day. I sit in my dining room in my apartment in Marietta, Ga and I wonder. What do I really want.
I want to have a family by the time I am 30. Married. Kids. A job. 3 years ago I wanted to be an Interior Designer. And now that I am in school for it, I realize that I DO want a life out side of work so I have to fall back on my FALL BACK. I want to be a elementary or preschool Art teacher. I love children and I want to have an impact on their lives so that is how I willl not only fufill my social responsibility but my need to continue with art. I love art!
Art is my life and to be with some one who is as into art as I am and isn't a dork. Oh man that would just be amazing!
Now lets look at 5 years from now.
25......
Now a bunch of my friends just turned 25.
And at 25 that is supposed to be when you actually find your self and realize what you want in life. What you want in a life partner and what you want to be for your self. Not for others. There is a difference. The social responsibility is what you want to do for others. What you want for your self. Happiness. Love. Passion.
Now at 25 I see my self engaged. Possibly married. Out of college. Teaching. Doing what I love to do. No kids unless I'm married. And maybe a doggie... I love doggies! Now although this is very extreemely general, its not too big or too little of a goal.
Now lets look at one year.
Short term, 21. First and foremost I would love to find the strenghth and courage to say I love you again. To mean it again. Not saying i didn't mean it, but to be able to say that with every piece of me I love you. To have the butterflies again and to smile non stop.
I want my next boyfriend to take up all of my free time unless I'm doing something with my girls or with the fam. No I take that back about with my family. I want my next mate to meet my family and make friends with them. If I can accept him then I'm sure they will. I want to get into the school I really wanted to go to... MIAD! Hopefully I can not only get there but also find my husband there. I want to get out of target, and get a teachers aide position at any school. I want to travel to someplace outside of United states in this next year as well. I really want to go to Paris or Madrid. Both places would be wonderful. But I want to do this traveling with my boyfriend. So he has to be able to afford it too. Or save up like I am going to. I think my next note will have to be about what I want in a guy. It just wouldnt be right If I wrote about my future and not let you guys know what he would be like. =) Well that was my flash forward. Prob one of my more boring posts. Sorry if you feel that way. I promise to make up for it.

Sexcapades (fiction)

Today I woke up hungry... Not a hunger for food. Or even a hunger for thought and education.
SEX HUNGRY!
So my neighbor called me asking me what I was doing around 1 or 2pm. Nothing that I could think of so I said, "I should be chillin.."
"Well my shower isn't working so can I come by on my lunch break and shower over there?"
"I don't mind. Just call me when u get home."
So now Im thinking, could my dreams been answered. My vibrator is in need of new batteries so whats better than the real thing? So I lay back down and fall into a cozy sleep. I began to float and I'm looking over myself in a deep sleep so peaceful.
I can hear Common's song "Sex 4 Suga"....
The chanting chorus...
Sex for suga
Suga for sex....
Then I see myself get up and open the door for my neighbor.
He quickly undresses and asks for a towel and wash cloth, I lead him to the bathroom. I turn the water on for him. As the steam accumulates, I began to wonder... maybe I could join him. So I see my self go in to the bathroom, take my hair out of my pony tail and pull the shower curtain to the side and get in the shower. I can't believe I am doing this.
I ask him to hand me my wash cloth and begin to lather up. We begin to talk and he starts lathering up his penis... Now I wanna look but I don't wanna look. So i take a glance... I peek. And I can see it growing.
I say I need to wash my hair and immerse myself under the running water. It was so relaxing. So un nerving. I can feel him watching me. And I ask him if he wants to get in the water. He says sure, so I move out of the way. With water dripping from every inch of my body. My hair is drenched and back to its natural state. Curly and thick. So as I turn away from the water he grabs my ass and watches it bounce and jiggle. He does this a couple times and I act as if this is not happening. He asks, "You have been working out huh?"
"No, not at all." With a smile across my face I turn my head to look at him. Muscular tall and nice abs. No better than nice, scrumptious. He was Colombian, but he could pass for black, just a little tanner than they usually come.
Here comes that chant again...
Sex 4 Suga
Suga 4 Sex
And I began to think about how us women trade in our sweetness for sex. And how men tell us we are still sweet... tasting. . . before the sex.
I blink and now he is putting on a condom and spreading my cheeks. Gripping my soft and tender behind.
And it begins.
He slides right in and feels right at home. Tight, warm and wet. My love surrounded his in a vulgar way as the water runs down my body and his as well. Now my back it bent over and my hands are touching my toes and his thrusts get stronger and the water splashes louder.
Louder
LOUDER
Then as I feel a vibration come up from the tips of my toes to the space between my thighs, I moan in desperation, I want more.
MORE!
So I now arch my back and put my hands on the wall and he pulls me closer.
The water splashes LOUDER AND LOUDER
And his thrusts are coming harder and faster.
I back up against him and now one of his legs is on the side of the tub and my leg is wrapped around his. Both standing on our right legs, backs against the wall, water running, sliding down every crevice of our intertwined bodies.
He lets me back up on him. I grind and flex and bend over while he grabs me by the waist. Just the feeling of his hands there makes a wet warm juice flow out of me.
The chanting again.
Sex 4 Suga
Suga 4 Sex
And the vibration comes back up my legs and he moves one of his hands to my warmest nook and begins to massage my clitoris.
THANK YOU JESUS!
My body began to shake more intensely than before.
"Are you cuming?"
"Yea.."
"You cuming.."
"Ye..a.."
And as the full word
"YES"
leaves my lips, I tremble then tighten up not wanting the warmth to leave me.
Then he says, "Good."
And he grabs me by the waist and lifts me up and down...
Up
Down
Up
Down
and then he moans and pushes me off to the other side of the shower. I stand there.
Exhausted. Dripping wet from water and the sexual juices I have just let loose. Still aroused.
I blink and I am laying in my bed...
In between my thighs is wet and throbbing for some lovin...
It was all a dream.
Or was it.
Thats when I heard a knock at my front door.
And the chanting began...
Sex 4 Suga
Suga 4 Sex

Walking down Memorie Lane

Sitting with my legs crossed "Indian" style I look up to the sky to see my mind just floating on memories. Floating on memories of him and I walking hand in hand through the mall. Him and I dancing at prom. He told me I was beautiful, I felt beautiful. Driving in the car listening to "our" song. Spending a weekend at the hotel. Taking pictures. Ahh the memories. Sneaking around late at night because we knew we were doing things we shouldn't have done. Man the memories...

You. I remember when back in the day being in love was like something nobody was ready for and through the years I have come to find that you are such a great friend. How could a crush grow into such a strong relationship. We never kissed or ever even did "it". We were just so into the thought of each other that that was enough. No matter what I would go though you would pop back into my life at the right time. All because I would be getting screwed over by the other guy, then the next guy and the guy after that. You should have been the first and only guy but man... We were so young and naive. I always think about how jealous I was when I found out you finally had a girl friend, whom you have been with for a while now. And I can't help to think, how come I have to go through all of these trials of love when a lot of people have found their one. Maybe you could have been my one... I value our friendship because there is always room for fantasy. We get to dream about the what ifs and could have beens. And now thanks to technology we can instantly see pictures of each other and flirt just like always. Always wondered what it would have been like if we would have actually pursued a relationship... There is always slumber land.

You. After meeting you at a college bound program over the summer, I have had not so much long term luck with guys. This was what 4 years ago? I never thought we'd go from flirting with each other to hopelessly in love with no sense of direction. You and I have had some hell of a 4 years huh? Like from the first year when you saved me from "him". Or when we went to the park and just talked. Oh remember when we ran into your dad? That was hilarious. Oh and I missed you so much when you left for Tennessee. Lane College... The best and worst thing that happened to us. To this very day I cant tell you the moment when I just was like "I love you". I sorta just grew into it. Through the friend ship and the fighting and the distance. You are a friend that I can't get rid of. Sometimes I wonder how come I let you get away with things that you have done, and there is just something about you. Maybe it's because we have grown up together in a sense. What ever it is, you are one filled with wisdom for when I need it. And it helps that you dream just as much as I do. A house in New Mexico.... So I wont have to work.... Sweet dreams. Even sweeter memories. Memories of telling each other "I hate you" which after two years finally turned into "I love yous." The only fault we have is, were we ever boy friend girl friend. I can't remember ever saying that you were. We have just had a special bond like that huh? Does it even matter because I freakin LOVE IT!!!

You. A crush I have had since the age of 12! Yes even back then I felt the same way I feel now. But the thing that killed me then was you never paid me any attention until I was 15 or 16, when I would go to the Y. Thats when you and I actually got a chance to flirt. It was like a dream come true to actually get attention from some one you had a crush on since you were 12. I felt like Violet from "The Incredibles" When Tony Ranger gives Violet some attention at the end of the movie... Did I blossom? Or did you always have a crush on me too? You have never answered that question. But I always ask. Now were going on 20 and still the playful banter. Still the crush. But now there are some more adult factors that come into play. The fact that we finally hooked up and are planning on making some BIG moves... Thats jus scaring me to death because it still doesn't seem real. You're tall, handsome, street smart, and I feel safe around you. Oh and dam we can talk about anything. ANYTHING. Honesty is key. Don't hold nothing back. Just give it all and put it on the table. My only fear is hurting you. So as we take this to a higher level.... Im gonna wear my seat belt.

You. I knew you since my junior year of highschool. We didn't start hangin out til my senior year. We started off as friends going to get ice cream. Then one day I had to ask my self was this a dream? Then after meeting your parents and you met mines, we were OFFICIAL... We would go to Ihop so much it became our spot. Oh and don't forget pizza shuttle. Those were the days. Then the sneaking aroung began. Well It wasn't sneaking really. You would just pick me up when you had to run an errand for your mom and then take too long getting home. Oh man and prom was THE BEST!!! You made me feel so beautiful and so lucky. Never felt that special in my life. The only thing I can say is that stress and new begginings pulled us apart. Even though my last day was spent in your kitchen cooking my special recipie of GUMBO with your mom. That was a good day. Im so glad that we can still party too. Man we have had some wild nights!!!! So next time I make a good pot of gumbo you are first on the list. Mouth watering already!

Memories old yes but sufficing yes. The most important memories of love can only truly be recited from the heart. Raw. Now there is one I can't talk about yet because, I'm not sure if its really over yet. So if you are offended by that then .... Well shit I really don't care because the day I actually sit and reminice on the good days will be the day I blog about it. lol Sorry hun...

Nobody's perfect but I thought you were perfect enough

Talk about being decieved. So after deactivating my facebook account because my boyfriend at the time said he was deactivating his; my brother calls me up and says, "hey I thought so and so and you decided to turn off your facebooks". And my initial reaction was wait we just broke up not even 3 days ago and if he is back on facebook it makes me wonder. So I get hot and sweaty and my blood is boiling and I am about to hit the roof. So i look up over my head and see my imagination working. I see a vision of my hands around his neck, right next to it is a vision of him and I making love, and above the two of them is a vision of me with alone and him with another woman. Now I know by now my brother is on the phone thinking, "Sis are you alright?" So I try to pull myself together and just answer his question. "Umm yea bro, y u ask that?" So he says "Well uh sis I hate to tell you this but I'm pretty sure your boy is back on here." So all of that 180degree blood went up to 200 and my eyes started getting ready for the flood. Just a month ago he was so into me, the best man I ever had even gave me money if I needed it. And now he's the same guy I knew when I met him. A womanizer. Looking for some other prey for another day. How come guys don't stay the same? I know us women change but, look at all we are going through well look at all I am going through. I am working my way through college and paying rent and paying bills I work 35+ hrs on weekends alone, and my car got stolen 2 and 1/2 weeks ago. So if you think I ever had time to cheat on you, look mister you were wrong. All of your insecurities have become mine and thats not right. I was not the jealous type, I could care less but when you tell me you feel a way that you don't really feel thats wrong. Is there a laughing clown or is the hell date lil man about to come out or am I being punked because I feel that this just isn't fair at all. But I know that eventually I will get mines. Some where out there is that guy for me maybe I have known him all my life or maybe I haven't. I just know that I am a pretty sincere person and this expectation of being the perfect cool sexy cute intelligent self determined girl is too demanding. So I'm taking the perfect part off. And as I peel that label off my forehead I ask for not one guy to EVER EVER EVER call me perfect or refer to me as perfect because after you keep telling your selves that you start believing it and once you find out how much of a bitch I am its gonna hurt.

How I used to feel

How come I just can’t be myself around you? I feel trapped sometimes you know. Like how Maya Angelo speaks of the caged bird just waiting for the freedom. Yes I smoke. Weed, no, well not any more. Me and Mr. Easy used to bag that shit up. Sticky, Orange, Mid, Purp, you name it, he knew someone who had it. And he was your weed man. Then when he stepped his game up to pills and man those was some crazy nights. We used to get fucked up and have the best sex; In the car, in the house, on the bed on the floor or even in a chair. Get fucked up and fuck. Sell the drugs and left over’s for us. Or if someone wanted a sample, lets puff puff pass it around til our feet dont touch the ground. I would die for that nigga. But you didn’t want to hear that shit did you. “I think she’s trying to save the 'baby'.” That’s what all my friends are probably saying behind my back. It was because I didn’t drink that night. They kept on persisting but I held my ground and said no. Trying to save the baby?(smh) How about trying to save us maybe? Even though you’re like a thousand miles away doing who knows what. I’m trying to become a better me. And there could be a baby ....maybe. But I’m stuck playing follow the leader instead of doing me. Back when I met you I told you what I was all about. I told you about trying to save money and just trying to keep up with the bills. I told you about the time before there was a you. Did you know that I got my heart broken and even til this day I think about that nigga. I bet you didn’t want to hear that either. While smoking my black n mild, I thought about how you didn’t want me to smoke or drink because you have standards, and then I thought about kickin back with my ex well after we were broken up and smoking a black well my third of that night and sippin on some vodka which made me make a bad decision. I allowed him to have sex with me, cum inside of me leaving me soaking wet in remorse because I wasn't his significant other any more. He belonged to some one else. I took that from her, and in return something has taken you from me. I'm not sure if it was my actions or my words but deep down inside I know that this isn't going to last much longer. They never do. Even though I had to bring him up, it brought me back to you. I love you and you might not ever read this but I once lived for us. And every moment I spent alone always lead my fingers to the keyboard, always thinking of you.

Can I Love, Actually

I have had it up to here! Do you really think that I am going to leave you just like that? The day I have really had it up to here, you probably wont even notice, but i would have been disappeared. How do you tell the one you love the most that you have been confiding in someone else because you feel ignored? What if you have given them warning after warning and they still don't care. They feel betrayed because they think your going to go cheat on them through the telephone or the internet. Its a long distance thing. Left alone, really alone. A thousand miles away and no one to hold you while you sleep. No one to kiss after a long day of work. No one to tell about your day because they are "tired" or "too busy" to answer one of the 5 phone calls you just made. So you feel empty and unloved because of it. I feel like damn. I just got your name tattooed on my body and you got mines too, but do i even interest you anymore. Not even enough for a damn phone call. Its a shame really when one person puts so much into a relationship only to feel like they're not in love only loving some one. Some one who used to demand to hear their mates voice every day and every unoccupied minute. What am i supposed to do? I say I am tired of the emptiness, i say i am tired of the loneliness but how do i say these feelings with out his ever so used quote of "Do you wanna break up? Yes or No?" In the back of my mind I am screaming, "Im soo sick of this shit. You want me to loose you? Well get lost!" How are women supposed to act when their men wont speak to them about whats bothering them? I can't even say how I feel because I am numb. I cried myself to sleep thinking "what did I do wrong?" Every night I think about how we are supposed to act as a couple. As a whole. Not me be me and you be you. Together. Then there's that old quote that goes "United we stand, divided we fall". And i wonder does that apply to us? Maybe So... To be continued...

Contemplation About My Writing Style

So as I sit and read blogs from my peers I start to think about what I want this to be. I want to be more creative with this here and take it to another level. I read one of my best, well what I believe is my best so far and I want to write from with in not just whats on my mental but whats in my heart like poetry in prose. Like skip all the graphics and make your mind wonder, no doubt that there will be the occasional sex scene or memory or what not. But I'm just saying I rather the keys soak up my feelings rather than my spit out all my thoughts.

Lady in the streets....

Every guy wants a girl that he can introduce to his mother and his boys. Right. And Every guy also wants a girl that knows her way around the bedroom if you know what I mean. The way I see it if a guy goes around saying he eats kitty cat, either he doesn't, he's not good at it or he cant brag on his Johnson because he doesn't know how to work it. I mean like for serious, I don't want my man going around saying he eats kitty cat because then every girl is gonna go after him. I also wouldn't want my man going around talking about how good his Johnson is because every girl is different. Like really do girls go around sayin how tight their kitty is to get guys? I don't. I don't go around talking about how good my Johnson sucking skills are either. Now if I'm talking dirty to my man that is different. Miss kitty will be all sorts of wet tight hot misty and what not. And I might tell my man that I'm going to suck the shit out of his Johnson and deep throat or what ever. But I'm not going to broad cast that to the world. Guys want a mild mannered girl, right? And if he wants a hoe he doesn't want a housewife. But most guys go for the housewife. I'd be a housewife. But I wouldn't be desperate. Hopefully our sex life will be well situated. Not like a schedule but my husband and I will have to like sex equally enough and know when each other wants something sexually. Now I am a woman and I have to say you guys are right that we want sex just as much as you do if not more but we know how to hide it. But don't keep us waiting too long because one night we might surprise you or scare you. You'll be looking into our eyes and see the fire that you have gotten yourself into. But I also think that just because you want sex, you don't need it. It can cloud your mind. It can make you feel things you shouldn't because its only been two weeks. And if you are having sex after knowing some one for two weeks, u need to re-evaluate things. I mean this is the 21st century and all the year 2009 but still we still should have standards because even though u think you know that person they can still change after the sex. And what if the sex is bad? Well thats a different post for a different day. So ladies don't be putting your sex skills out there and you guys need to do the same. Nobody wants others to know what goes on behind closed doors unless your behind that closed door.